2013

So not used to writing 2013. Kind of funny that a few years ago, we watched 2012 and half expected that the world may really end and 2013 might never come.

Well well well, here we are!

Collected my 'O' level chinese results on thursday and watched my grey badge seniors collect theirs. All I can say is, I got really inspired to do well, to really go for it. :) Really proud of my seniors :D

Anyway, my mom was playing random songs and she put a bunch of Taylor Swift songs that I saved on the playlist. I really love her songs, especially those old songs that she wrote about falling in love :) I think she's really insecure now after she became a superstar, especially when everyone is always talking about her every action, every speech, every song (and who it is about). Come on! Who doesn't become all insecure and sad after all these commotion? Why do you care who she dates? (even though I admit I do get a little surprised some times) Do you want the whole world to criticise you for hanging out with people you like? Seriously?!

Lol my blog post turned into a rant. O_O All right, what I wanted to say is that I started to think about some things after I heard 'Tied Together With A Smile'. It's funny how people transit in and out of different states, one moment you're you and the next you're a different you. Taylor too. She was so... bright and confident when she released Fearless, and sure enough, everyone was in awe by her. But I guess stress and expectations always sets you backwards. I think the main reason why she keeps changing boyfriends is because she's no longer as in love in herself as she was last time, so she tries to find security in the people around her. She really needs to listen to 'Tied Togerther With A Smile' again and remind herself of how great she is.

T, you too. (I still read your blog.. I mean, I will stop if you don't want me to >_< because you write really personal things, haha) I think you haven't looked hard enough :) No, you don't have to differentiate who is your friend and who isn't. You are your own friend, your number 1 fan. Even if the whole world isn't there anymore, you still have you. If you try being friends with yourself, you won't feel so lonely. (Quoting from our student diary: The best way to have a friend is to be one.) Being alone isn't really being lonely. You only feel lonely when you decide to neglect the one who is always always always there for you, and start searching for people who really need to do their homework. Just remember, you are the most most most important person in the world (please don't be disheartened when I say that actually, everyone is.) Without you, I won't even know One Direction or Justin Bieber or the names of some hot guys on TV *_* Without you, my mom won't have someone to praise when she sees the class photo (hahaha). Without you, I wouldn't know have a girl in my class who knows how to rap. Without you, I wouldn't be able to be so amused by how similar you and your sis look. Withou you, I wouldn't have known another girl who kind of experiences similar insecurities that I feel.

Sure, I always look happy and I laugh a lot, but I really did went through a lot of hell last year. It was really bad, because all along I was a really happy person, everyone likes me (hoho). Then things happened. I was so used to hiding behind others and being the quiet one that I didn't know what to do when others have to follow my lead. I was so unsure and unconfident. I just couldn't cope with all those expectations and the different pairs of eyes looking at me that I broke down. Whatever I do, I was scared that people might say something. Whatever I say, I was afraid that people might mistake me or sabotage me and change it into something worse. I couldn't focus in class, and that's why I failed so many subjects last year. I was so tired of trying to be someone that others wanted to see.

My (very pessimistic) dad always told me that I was stupid even when I was young. So the younger me thought that it was natural to call others stupid (HAHA) and I ended up making my sister really wary of me. When I told him I got nominated last year, he said that I would fail all my subjects because I won't be able to cope. Guess what, it came true. But I realised that my (very pessimistic) dad isn't right all the time, that I don't have to follow his unfortune-telling, or anyone else's. It took me a long time to realise this, and even now, it's really hard to remind myself that no one dictates my future, that I'm the one who allows things, whether good or bad, to happen. For example, studies. It's not because of my dad that I failed, it's because I was too busy thinking about other irrelevant things and even contemplating giving up that I failed. I allowed it to happen.

So now, to make up for this loss, I'm going to allow myself to study hard and be focused. Sure, all my life I have always heard people saying "Believe in yourself" "Love yourself" "Love your life" etc. I know that, we all know that, but as imperfect a human brain can be, we tend to forget. I always forget. (I was told by a teacher and a senior to use post-its) But it's okay. We are not perfect, we make mistakes, but we are perfect. The latter meaning that who we are is already enough. Enough as in you don't have to be someone you don't want to be, you don't have to be someone you cannot be. In terms of studies, well it may not be enough but you should feel good about yourself when you try harder :D

Lots of people haven't thought of all these stuff, maybe they did but didn't understand it fully, even myself. We are all learning. You can't just be happy and become forever happy, because everyone is different every moment. Maybe five minutes ago, you want to pee but now you have peed and you don't feel any urgency. Maybe you drank some water and you want to pee again. (LOLOLOLOL)

So yup. You don't have to listen all the crap that people give you. You don't have to make up all the crap that you tell yourself and force yourself to believe it. There's something called the ego, you know? It's very protective, because it loves us a lot. So when you talk to people you don't like, are afraid of or are angry at etc, your little wiggly cute witty ego tells you all kinds of bad stuff to make you think twice. But sometimes, it's over protective and tells you untrue stuff. (Like my mom who used to tell me that if I don't hold her hand when we go out, bad guys will kidnap me and break my legs so that I will be able to earn sympathy and beg for money on the street for them bad guys).

Yeah, our ego is so cute right! XD T, maybe you got bored and decide to skip to the end, just remember that you're one of the most beautiful girls I know :D You're tall, you're smart, you know more than 2 languages, you can sing and dance. If these are what you're feeling insecure about, don't be. You're perfect. (Only thing is you might need post-its to help you remember.) :D

Nights! I love you! :D